ROL Bus Recap

So the girls head to Indianapolis, and are forced to write wedding vows for Bret, a guy who has never been married. Hilarity ensues; the Brazilian moves buses and promises never to drink again, the Appalachian Hindi belly-dances about, and the first challenge goes on, where the winners go on a group date with the lucky guy. Highlights: The former pornstar does her Fidel Castro impression, talking forever, the phrase "from behind" gets bleeped out, the belly-dancer compares wooing Bret to charming a snake (and it WORKS?!), and a black girl unmentioned to this point gives him a blow-up doll. Winners: Snobby Penthouse model, an unmentioned-to-this-point tattooed brunette, and a member of the Blontourage.

Former pornstar doesn't take kindly to her Castro impression going over like a lead balloon, and goes hysterical. Her fellow busmates on the pink bus don't exactly do a good job of consoling her, and there's talk of changing buses. Ladies and gentlemen, we may have our token nutjob of Season 3!

The girls go to a hotel in the desert for a "reception," complete with, as Bret puts it, "family entertainment." Lap dances, of course. Former pornstar walks out, but only to the bathroom, and puts on a bikini in an attempt to blow Bret away. Did nothing for me, but the girls were threatened. We move from there to a trivia contest, where VIP passes are at stake. Tempers flare, especially with former pornstar, and when the tattooed woman gives him a wet kiss, the rules change. She, snobby Penthouse pet, and the black girl get the passes, and former pornstar once again breaks down in tears. We're at about four breakdowns in the first half-hour, and I feel some Obama coming on again. Can we break records for fastest, most intense, and most pathetic shows of emotion set by Rodeo and Samantha in Season 1 and Kristy Joe in Season 2? YES WE CAN!

And we come right back with former pornstar and black girl arguing, with former pornstar yelling the black girl only got on the show because she was black. Ouch. She cries in the post-argument interview and while going to sleep, which makes seven. I feel double-digits coming.

We take a side-bar from former pornstar for a moment and go to the group date, which is a hayride in rural Indiana. The snobby Penthouse model baits the tattooed brunette into using her VIP pass this early for some alone time. She's an elitist, but it's smart to do that. All told, though, it's pretty uneventful, especially compared to the shitshow being witnessed back at the hotel with former pornstar.

We're back from the commercial, and the Brazilian breaks her vow of not drinking AND reconciles with the blonde she choked last week. Impressive. And, shocker, the blonde who wanted to be sent home last week confronts Bret again and talks about him sending her home. Anyway, this inspires Bret to get some one-on-one time with some of the girls, including Appalachian Hindi, who we find out took a vow of no "all-the-way sex" for three years. More former pornstar hilarity also ensues as she pleads her case to Bret, but he ends up forcing her off the bus to think about eliminations. She's stayed at 7 for a good 15 minutes; she's slipping!

Eliminations come in, and three girls must leave. We get the one-by-one calldown process this week. Tattooed brunette, snobby Penthouse model, black girl and several members of the Blontourage are a few of the notable ones who stay. Former pornstar breaks down (8!), and she, the Brazilian, and the one who wants to leave all get called down, but they're all staying. YES, WE GET MORE FORMER PORNSTAR BREAKDOWNS!

Leaving: Appalachian Hindi (rats!) and two other women. Next week, though, Lacey from Season 1 comes back to raise holy hell and, apparently, pop some implants. Also, Bret boots someone for having a boyfriend. THIS SEASON ROCKS!